I was buying a baby shower gift for a dear friend, and as it normally goes when I try to pick out a present, I get stuck.
I sort through the choices on my small-normal budget, choosing items from the registry list that will feel like a substantial gift for my meager budget. And I so sort through the options, apply some major present magic strategy, and finally, think I’m ready to check out.
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Then I look at my options and I hear that voice in my head again. “That’s not enough,” it says to me. I need to add more. If I could just afford one more thing off this list, maybe it would be enough.
But, it wouldn’t. Even if I got 5 more things, I would still bring my humble gift to my dear friend and feel embarrassed when she opens my gift in front of everyone else. I wish I could give more.
And then it’s our turn to host our friends at our house. I do everything I can to make our house beautiful. Nathan was never comfortable having friends over to his house when he was younger (and his mom kept a spotless house), so there is a lot of pressure if we are going to have someone over to our house. When you add that together with the fact that I’m a little more right brain than left brain, type B than type A, and more procrastinate than do it now, well. I’m sure you get the picture.
It’s not enough. Even when it’s perfect, he and I will clean and tidy until the doorbell rings. And the maybe even a little more. It’s not enough.
And I love decorating my house. I know I can make a beautiful house because I know how to stage a house to sell in a day. I’ve done it twice. That should mean something, right? But then I look around at my house now, and, well, it’s not enough.
Then there is my work. I freelance and blog. I bust it for my clients and then, when it’s time to send that email to deliver their files, I stop. Why? Because did I do enough? Was I thorough enough? Should I have done more?
And blogs. Don’t even get me started. Blogs are an obscene amount of work. There is always something to do, to write, to tweak, to promote. I could never do enough.
I check my blog stats throughout the day (a terrible habit I do not encourage!!!), and I know about where I was at the same time yesterday. I know, I know…, growth is a trend, not a sprint. But I’m working so hard to make this thing work. And even if I’m crushing it by last week’s standards, I’m falling short from where I was yesterday. And today isn’t enough unless I’m crushing yesterday’s stats.
It’s not enough.
I am not enough.
All day long, every day, I hear “I am not enough.” “I need to do more.” “I can do this better.” And the truth is, I do need to do more, I can do better, and I truly am not enough.
But, thankfully, I wasn’t created to be enough. I was created to be…
Just, me. Falling short of the glory of God. With riches as filthy rags. I was created with flaws and imperfections so that I would need the Creator.
And the honest truth is that I’m not writing this blog post to you. I’m writing it for me. Because I needed a reminder that, yes, I am not enough. And that’s okay.
Around January, a lot of bloggers choose one word to define their focus for the year. They use words like Authenticity, Drive, Passion, Focus, Excite, Rest.
But I think this year, my life motto will be two words. “It’s okay.”
In the midst of my shortcomings, I am exactly where I’m called to be. Those little seeds planted in early March probably aren’t too fond of the heavy rains they endure in April, but come May, they get to grow up to be plants.
See, the seeds weren’t enough. They needed some dirt, sunshine, and yes, even rain, before they could become what they were intended to be.
And so, if you’re a little seed like me getting rained on with thoughts of inadequacy, just rest in the idea that it’s okay to not do or be everything you want to do and be right now. It’s okay not to be enough. It’s okay to need sunshine. It’s okay to need rain. And, yes. It’s even okay to grow slowly.
I am thankful that I don’t have to be enough. I am thankful that it will be okay even when I fall short. I am thankful for a God that loves me when I have a messy house, or an unfinished blog post, or a small gift to bear. He is enough.
Did you hear that part? He is enough.
You don’t have to be enough because He is. more. than. enough.
If you read this all the way to the end, I hope it was worth it. We’re in this together. And we can’t help each other unless we say the words out loud (or with our keyboards) sometimes.
I feel pretty alone in this thought of feeling like I’m not enough. If you’ve felt like you are not enough, can you comment below for me? I think I need a friend to be not enough with me.